Cast: Narrator, Victim, Scout 1, Scout 2

N: For tonight’s first aid demonstration, we’ll walk through a scenario. You were meandering through the woods, looking for things to set on fire in a violent and spectacular (yet safe) fashion when you came across this unconscious individual. He’s clearly probably injured! First, establish visual confirmation that the situation is safe.

S1: A body? S2: Is he dead? What killed him? S1: Was it a snake? I hate snakes. S2: Where is it? S1: It could be anywhere!

N: Next, cautiously approach the body and diagnose the symptoms.

S1: Is he breathing? HE’S NOT BREATHING! Oh, wait, never mind. V: [Gentle snoring] S2: His breath is slow and raspy. I think he’s having trouble holding on. V: [Snore turns into a cough, then back to snoring. Mouth open slightly.] S1: He has fluid coming out of his mouth. IT’S BLOOD! S2: That’s drool. S1: [Looking into victims mouth] I SEE EXPOSED BONE! S2: Those are teeth.

N: Comfort and reassure the victim.

S1: It’s ok, buddy. We’ll get you out of this. Everything is going to be fine. V: [Snoring]

N: Finally, begin CPR.

S1: [Puts face close to victim and takes a deep, loud breath] V: Wait, WHAT?! I did not sign up for this, I’m outta here!