Cast: A Fearless TRAILMAN, A SHAKEspeare lover, Gollum, a BEAR, and a car DRIVER. (BEAR and DRIVER may be played by the same person)
[The party walks to the center of the stage and stops. SHAKE is wearing a backpack]
[SHAKE strikes a dramatic pose]
SHAKE: Alas! We are lost in the woods!
TRAILMAN: Be quiet! You aren’t helping things any. You ate all our food, Gollum ate our map…
GOLLUM: Stupid trailmans! Hates them both! Hates them all!
SHAKE: Are we there yet? Mine feet hath become as stones.
GOLLUM: Stupid rock-footed trailmans.
TRAILMAN: Fine. We’ll stop.
[SHAKE sets down their backpack. On GOLLUM’s foot]
GOLLUM: Grah! Our foots! They hurts, they does!
[GOLLUM kicks SHAKE’s backpack]
SHAKE: Knowest thou not? That knapsack contains fine china!
[SHAKE opens their backpack and pulls out a broken cup]
SHAKE: Alas, my mother’s dinnerware. I knew thee well.
TRAILMAN: Seriously. Get a mess kit already!
SHAKE: No need. We will all starve and die!
TRAILMAN: Look! A bear!
SHAKE: We will all die without starving!
[GOLLUM tackles the BEAR, wrestles it to the ground, and starts punching it]
TRAILMAN: You killed it!
SHAKE: It is dead. Huzzah! We will now continue to starve to death.
TRAILMAN: Of course! With his highly developed survival skills, Gollum can gut the bear, prepare the meat, and get us enough food to get back to camp with!
SHAKE: He is pulling guts out of the bear and eating them like spaghetti.
TRAILMAN: Ewww. Stop that!
GOLLUM: Grrrr. Gollum’s bear! Gollum’s food! His! Mine!
[SHAKE strikes a dramatic pose again]
[BEAR crawls off inconspicuously at some point here]
SHAKE: Never mind what I said earlier. We will starve!
TRAILMAN: Wait! Whats that?
[GOLLUM sniffs the air like a dog and growls]
SHAKE: It appears to be some sort of marvelous transportation device completely unrelated to the aforementioned bear.
TRAILMAN: It’s a car! We’re saved! Try to signal to it! Make it stop!
[SHAKE does the hitchhiking symbol. GOLLUM tries to make it honk.]
DRIVER [Backing away]: Is that thing trained?
TRAILMAN: No, no, it’s perfectly alright.
[GOLLUM chases DRIVER offstage. TRAILMAN and SHAKE follow, trying to stop DRIVER]