Cast: A Fearless TRAILMAN, A SHAKEspeare lover, Gollum, a BEAR, and a car DRIVER. (BEAR and DRIVER may be played by the same person)

[The party walks to the center of the stage and stops. SHAKE is wearing a backpack] [SHAKE strikes a dramatic pose] SHAKE: Alas! We are lost in the woods! TRAILMAN: Be quiet! You aren’t helping things any. You ate all our food, Gollum ate our map… GOLLUM: Stupid trailmans! Hates them both! Hates them all! SHAKE: Are we there yet? Mine feet hath become as stones. GOLLUM: Stupid rock-footed trailmans. TRAILMAN: Fine. We’ll stop. [SHAKE sets down their backpack. On GOLLUM’s foot] GOLLUM: Grah! Our foots! They hurts, they does! [GOLLUM kicks SHAKE’s backpack] SHAKE: Knowest thou not? That knapsack contains fine china! [SHAKE opens their backpack and pulls out a broken cup] SHAKE: Alas, my mother’s dinnerware. I knew thee well. TRAILMAN: Seriously. Get a mess kit already! SHAKE: No need. We will all starve and die! TRAILMAN: Look! A bear! SHAKE: We will all die without starving! GOLLUM: Graaaaah! [GOLLUM tackles the BEAR, wrestles it to the ground, and starts punching it] TRAILMAN: You killed it! SHAKE: It is dead. Huzzah! We will now continue to starve to death. GOLLUM: Food! SHAKE: Food? TRAILMAN: Of course! With his highly developed survival skills, Gollum can gut the bear, prepare the meat, and get us enough food to get back to camp with! SHAKE: He is pulling guts out of the bear and eating them like spaghetti. TRAILMAN: Ewww. Stop that! GOLLUM: Grrrr. Gollum’s bear! Gollum’s food! His! Mine! [SHAKE strikes a dramatic pose again] [BEAR crawls off inconspicuously at some point here] SHAKE: Never mind what I said earlier. We will starve! TRAILMAN: Wait! Whats that? [GOLLUM sniffs the air like a dog and growls] SHAKE: It appears to be some sort of marvelous transportation device completely unrelated to the aforementioned bear. TRAILMAN: It’s a car! We’re saved! Try to signal to it! Make it stop! [SHAKE does the hitchhiking symbol. GOLLUM tries to make it honk.] DRIVER: Hello! GOLLUM: Grrr… DRIVER [Backing away]: Is that thing trained? TRAILMAN: No, no, it’s perfectly alright. [GOLLUM growls] [GOLLUM chases DRIVER offstage. TRAILMAN and SHAKE follow, trying to stop DRIVER]