Cast: Sam, Loud person, Leader, Crazy Eddie, Small group of trailmen

SAM: Fall in! I said fall in! Alright, you maggots! I’m Sam, and I’m your acting First Officer for camp this week! You may refer to me as “Dictator.”

LOUD PERSON: Mr. Dictator?…

SAM: Silence! I wasn’t done yet. In fact, I haven’t even started! Now, you worthless bunch of uniformed slobs may think that you came here this week to learn a bunch of boring knots and lashings. Wrong! In fact, you are really here to blow stuff up and help me take over the world!


[Leader beckons to Sam and says something to him. Sam returns to the group]

SAM: Well, ok. It seems that you are here for knots and lashings after all. [Starts shouting] But you will also earn your Fire Ranger badge! And it will be instructed by Crazy Eddie!

[CRAZY EDDIE laughs maniacally.]

LOUD PERSON: We’re all gonna die!

[LEADER glares at Sam]

SAM [In a monotone voice]: And that training will be performed at an approved fire ring with leader supervision and no explosives.

LOUD PERSON: Will there be upbeat song and dance numbers?

SAM: That would imply good taste! Where do you think you are, trailman? This is a skit!

LOUD PERSON: The menu says “Grub” for like the entire week.

SAM: Do you have a problem with that, trailman?! Now, be silent as I read the list of available trail badges this week. We have:

  • Cooking things
  • Shooting things
  • Cooking things that have been shot
  • Knots and Lashings
  • Not Lashings
  • Lighting things on fire.
  • And blowing things up.

[LEADER coughs]

SAM: One moment, please.

LOUD PERSON: Look out! It’s Crazy Eddie!

SAM: Huh? What fool gave him matches?! Scatter like rabbits people, like rabbits!